This weekend I was chatting to my 80 year old uncle, a very wise man, about A Course in Miracles - the teachings of which he has been a student for over 30 years. It brought to mind an essay I wrote in September 2021 and shared in my old newsletter. I know some of you will already have read it, but I think it bears a second visit. Even for myself as the writer, I found value in revisiting it a year later!
Herewith that essay:
Can you simultaneously hold the knowledge that you are the universe (aka God) and you do create your own reality,
AND
acknowledge that none of it is done by your own power, that you are merely a vessel for the power of the All, and be in service of it?
It’s a beautiful conundrum, isn’t it?
A few weeks ago I became aware of a movement within the spiritual community, of people renouncing any and all spiritual practices other than worship of Jesus and reading the Bible. Observing this had an interesting effect on me. At first it merely piqued my curiosity from an observational point of view. But once I started delving deeper into the subject it brought up a lot of fear and worry for me - it triggered the religious programming I had grown up with, being that I was raised in the Christian church, and made me question if perhaps these people were right and I had been wrong.
It was not only my own spiritual practice which I have been developing for many years that I was questioning, but more so what I was sharing with and teaching others. I can live with being wrong myself, but the thought that I may be inadvertently leading others astray hit me hard. It made me ponder on whether it is possible to be engaging in ‘luciferian’ or ‘demonic’ practices if your heart is in the right place and you imbue what you do with love. It made me feel confused and fed into my doubts about feeling “who am I to guide other people?”
While it is never comfortable, and can be downright terrifying to question your own version of reality, I think that this is a skill which is sorely lacking in modern society. We are taught and encouraged, both in secular educational systems and in religious settings, to follow a certain set of beliefs and an accepted view or opinion, and to never deviate from it, never question, never doubt. The response of these same newly-converted people to the doubts I have described above is, “Well if you’re doubting yourself it’s just proof that you never really were convicted in your beliefs in the first place.”
I vehemently disagree. I think that it is of the utmost importance to a free-thinking, ever-evolving society that we are able to engage in critical thinking, to question ourselves and others, to engage in research and debate, to always be open to the possibility that we are wrong. When we are willing to practice this as a lifestyle, scary as it may be, we can only win. Because one of two things will happen: you will either realise that indeed you were incorrect and therefore need to adjust your thinking, your views and your subsequent decisions; or you will realise that your original beliefs hold true, and your conviction will be that much more dear to you by having undergone this process of questioning.
Being able to set aside your opinion or belief about a subject, and actively seek out opinions, theories and facts that support the exact opposite of what you believe to be true, is in my opinion a foundational practice to expanding and evolving your own wisdom and to building a society that will unleash mankind’s greatest potential. Any true scientist (as opposed to someone buying into the dogma of the modern religion of scientism) would agree with me. This skill is one which is so vital right now as we observe what is happening in the world - a subject I will save for another newsletter!
And so I allowed myself to dive into the discomfort of questioning my spiritual beliefs. It was an emotional two weeks. But what came out of it was such a beautiful affirming of the path that I have been on for almost 20 years, and a reigniting of my own devotion. It came to a head one morning when I decided to surrender myself completely to the possibility that I was wrong. I prayed, and I asked that if Jesus really is there, if he is the only way to God, if he is God, that he will show me so. I said that I was willing to be shown that I was wrong, and that I would rather know the truth than to be deceiving myself.
An image came to my mind as I finished my prayer. It was a beautiful analogy of the sensation I feel when I think of the Christian God and Jesus, or for that matter the Jewish God (I spent many years converting to orthodox Judaism) or the Muslim God, as being the only God or the entirety of God.
The understanding of God from the Judeo-Christian perspective is not necessarily wrong (though it has been misinterpreted over and over again) but it is merely a sliver of the entirety of the All that IS.
It cannot encompass it. The reality of God cannot be contained by one teaching or limited to one belief system. The nature of God cannot be understood nor fully interpreted by our limited human minds in this physical plain. And if you are willing to view it through a more esoteric lens, you will realise that the Bible itself tells us this. And so to me it feels ludicrous to say that Jesus is the only way to God. He is a way to God.
Later that day as I was performing energy healing on a client (a time during which I am very connected and open to the spiritual realm) it was the thought with which I opened this email that came to me. As I started to integrate the image from the morning along with this newly landed concept, a deep peace started to wash over me. I knew that I am on the right path for my soul, and that even though I do not always have the words to explain to curious people what it is that I believe, I know and feel it in my bones and that is enough.
The practice of surrender has been the theme of my spiritual journey and I believe it is one of my cardinal lessons in this incarnation. As is so often the case in these situations, once I surrendered the information started pouring in. I will share with you below what my main takeaways have been from this experience:
I have been through an interesting process this year of coming to see the deep wisdom that Jesus taught, once it is stripped of the religious dogma through which it is so often viewed, and perhaps found forgiveness for my own religious wounding. Nonetheless, the idea that Jesus is the only way still does not land for me. As I went through this process I recalled many occasions as a child when I felt deep pain and shed real tears while asking my teachers, “But what about people in other parts of the world that don’t know about him?” (on a lighter note - I also asked many questions about why Christians like to pretend that dinosaurs didn’t exist!)
To think that those who do not believe in Jesus will go to hell feels to me like a white-supremacist, Western-ego, superiority-complex stance. On an energetic level it feels divisive and fear-inducing. Jesus himself preached against that. And so in my view it is a contradiction to say that you believe in the teachings of Jesus, and in the next breath tell people that they will go to hell if they too don’t follow Jesus.
That is not love. Condemning people because they don’t choose you - whether because they have grown up in a different culture, or because as humans how can we possibly know what is true in the realms beyond this one or discern amidst all the apparent manipulation of “Satan and his demons” - is not love.
I cannot fathom that God would be anything other than Love.
I don’t buy the image of an omnipotent God who nonetheless has no choice but to sorrowfully hand over his beloved children to Satan and an eternity of damnation, because of nothing worse than ignorance or confusion or doubt. This image does not compute for me. Neither with my own experience of the Divine, nor with what the said-same religion describes God to be (when you can look past religious teachings and see through to the mystical truths.)
I had a visceral memory of what I felt when I decided to leave the church at age 16. I recalled a forgotten memory of thinking, “This is not my God. This is not a God I choose to nor want to serve. This is a God interpreted by man, whether by ignorance or by their own desire for power.”
My God is Love. My God is in everything. My God is everywhere.
My Goddess doesn’t care what you name her, nor how you choose to worship her. In fact, she doesn’t even mind if you are not aware of her or are confused by all the religious noise. She does not need your worship. She will always welcome you home with all encompassing Love, even if your return only happens after death. There is nothing to forgive if your only fault was confusion.
My God is not a being. It is in every atom of substance as well as every iota of the 90% of nothingness that makes up the universe - i.e. the quantum field.
And the greatest irony is that what I have described above is exactly what Jesus taught, is it not? And this is why I maintain that yes indeed, Jesus was the real deal. An enlightened being pointing the way to Truth. He was never to be worshipped as God himself - once again pointing back to the instructions of the religion itself, to worship no other but God. Christianity is a religion full of contradictions. There is so much divine truth to be found in it, but so much has been manipulated in such a way as to create bondage and fear.
(Disclaimer: I have studied both Christianity and Judaism and their texts in depth over many years - I don’t need to be schooled in the religion :) These are my views based on my intricate knowledge of the religion and exposure to and study of other belief systems and my personal lived experience of spirituality and connection with the Divine, adding up to over 30 years of my life.)
Is this simply human error or is there more to it? Could it be the machinations of negative entities seeking to separate us from Truth? (again, a concept from the religion itself - oh how clever of these theoretical entities if this is how they confuse us.) Referring to someone as evil is not something I take lightly, and I definitely would not name someone as such for simply believing differently to me. But I have at times observed, both within the spiritual community (I’m using that term so frequently and yet it’s a term for which I don’t hold much affection!) and amongst people of religions and amongst secular individuals in positions of power, an energy that repels me. A certain darkness that makes my skin crawl. Which brings me to my next point.
Amongst these people who have converted to a belief in Jesus and the Bible, there was a rather aggressive renouncement of what they refer to as “the New Age cult.” Listening to this rhetoric contributed to my doubt and fear, even though New Age is not a term I have ever identified with. Yes I do energy healing, and I teach yoga (what a misnomer to label something so ancient as New Age) and I use tarot/oracle cards… but I have always used my discernment and been wary of certain practices, objects or people from which I feel the dark or negative energy mentioned above. I also want to clarify here that I hesitate to use the words dark or negative because this feeds into another of the misconceptions perpetuated by religion, that darkness is bad or that polarity is bad. But for lack of a better term I will use these words. I think that often it is not the practice itself, but the manner, the intent and the energy that is used in the practice.
In considering this subject I remembered that my practice is very grounded and practical - it is in fact the airiness and the woo-woo nature of a lot of New Age types that frustrates and repels me. I take what resonates or what I have come to through personal experience, and don’t buy into the hype of the rest. I also don’t rely on any one practice or fad. Everything is supplementary to my connection with the Divine, which is primary.
I saw this as a good opportunity to reassess and course correct where necessary. To ensure that I keep my practice practical and grounded and embodied, and not get caught up in the latest fashionable version of “to get to God you need to…”
In conclusion I want to highlight the importance of coming back, always, to Love. If you zoom out and take an overview of my story you will notice that while I was in the vibration of fear and doubt I struggled to find answers. But when I surrendered into Love, and curiosity, and opened my heart, the answers flowed to me with ease. And so it is with everything in life. Through this process I have been able to reconnect with the Jesus of my childhood whom I loved so very much, and who I now choose to call Yeshua, which was his real name. In choosing to use this name I am asserting for myself that my desire is to connect with the real man who was such an embodiment of wisdom and love and benevolence, not the religious archetype. It has also allowed me to connect the dots of other spiritual experiences I have had this year, as the presence of Mary Magdalene has been coming to me. I have been pointed in the direction of delving into the study of the esoteric practices and alchemical teachings of Yeshua and Maryam, the roots of which were in Ancient Egypt. This prospect excites me so much (I’m quite the nerd when it comes to studying anything to do with philospohy, theology, spirituality and history!) and perhaps in the future I will be able to share with you what I have learned.