Grief is such a familiar sensation (At one time a constant companion) And yet he has taken me by surprise: Bent double in the bathroom Hand over mouth An ocean of heartbreak Threatening to overwhelm the dam walls “Oh... Hello old friend Here we are again.” The rational part of my mind calmly greets him While another, untamed part of me is screaming in silence I fall to my knees And let the waves take me under Afraid that if I lay down I may never stand again Yet knowing that the only way to shore Is to surrender to his rip tide I cry a million salty tears Crystallising on the swell of my lips Feeding the ocean with the brine of my soul With regret With longing for one last goodbye
Every time I read this poem it brings me to tears. I’m honestly surprised I made it through recording it for video on Instagram without crying (you can watch here.)
I wrote this when my sweet mare, Legacy, died. I was completely taken aback by the depth of my grief for her, because by then it had been a good few years since she’d been with me… but of course it was very intertwined with my grief for my brother. As she was nearing her end I was trying to make plans to go see her (I’d sent her back to the stud farm where she was born, in a different part of the country) but before I could get there I got the call that she was gone.
This brought up all my complicated feelings of guilt and regret that I had been in my brother’s city just two weeks before he died, but we hadn’t managed to see each other.
And my guilt and regret that after his death I felt so overwhelmed by life that I eventually gave Legacy up (which is when I sent her to the stud - the one place I knew she would be well cared for and happy).
I thought of how, when I was going through the very traumatic separation/beginnings of divorce, with little to no support from any humans in my life, it was Legacy who saved me. Every day that I could go ride or just be with her, kept me sane through what up until that time was the hardest thing I’d gone through. And when my brother died, again she was my rock. But after some months I just felt like I was no longer capable of caring for her, struggling to simply care for myself and my son.
Grief is such an interesting thing. Something I’m so passionate about sharing and normalising.
Just 4 months after Legacy died, my dog Kazia died… and almost exactly a year later was my father’s death. I won’t go into all the details now, but these deaths were all connected, intertwined… preparing me, teaching me.
I’m eternally grateful to both Legacy and Kazia for what they were to me in life, and the gifts they gave me through death.